I have been putting off starting this post for the stupidest reason – I don’t know where to start, so, here I am, starting.
My story, me, who am I? what am I about? why am I writing this & why are you still reading?…
In this very moment, today as I write this, I’m about to have my 32nd birthday, a bizarre concept when two seconds ago I was celebrating my 18th birthday and couldn’t wait to “be an adult!”, well shit, didn’t that happen faster than I thought, or rather, didn’t time just fly!!! When I was younger, I never really connected to the phrase “time flies”, yea yea I thought, I still have plenty of it; well, here we are a nearly 32 year old woman, with a fabulous mortgage, twin toddlers, a fiancé, a ginger cat called Hamish and a flock of chooks, I’m sitting here in my bed with a cracker headache eating left over potato smileys from the boys dinner at 930 at night, dream.
But, I look around and see, a cozy bed with a bed spread I love, the bedside tables I had my eye on for ages & couldn’t wait to buy! My collection of books, a fan, my clothes all packed away (not even joking…first time in a long time), slippers on the floor, I’m fresh out of the shower and feel…so damn lucky. My babies are asleep in the room next door, Mark tidying up dinner & prepping for bed, cat whinging for a 57th dinner! But, as I listen to the wind and light traffic outside, its peaceful, calming and its not often I do stop to say, you know what, I am bloody lucky!
So, while sitting here in my pj top with a picture of an avocado on it & the phrase “I’m the good kind of fat”, thanks to mum for this one, I will share my story, or at least begin.
As the old phrase goes, I had an average childhood. Or, at the time, so I thought, I never assumed or even thought for a second that anyone else was experiencing their childhood differently to how I was, I figured it was all laughing, cheekiness, constant energy, sport, play, imagination, friendships and annoying the heck out of my brother, it was my job as the older sister right? To learn and observe our worlds, test boundaries and limits, make mistakes, get hurt and feel pain through our experiences, learn rubbish lessons about relationships, friendships and connections with people, and endless cycle of being shocked when someone would do something unpleasant or mean, navigating the beginnings and ends of friendships, sometimes not knowing why they ended & continually growing with the lessons in our pocket of shitty experiences.
They weren’t all lessons about pain, there were a thousand more great, amazing and fantastic times than bad, a family holiday to Melbourne and seeing emperor penguins for the first time, going to the snow and watching my brother throw snowballs in the air and smash them on his own head because no one wanted to play with him, visiting interstate family, camping and fishing constantly, being invited to help cut down trees in the backyard or mow the grass; which didn’t end so fabulous after a serious grass allergy was discovered.
Growing up in a family who moved around, I was always the ‘new kid’ at school, this was hard sometimes, a new school and group of friends, teachers and new environments to navigate, I can still name all 8 schools from K-12, each having a big impact on me as a person, I experienced amazing achievements and learnt how to be proud of those, athletics being a big one, and some not so amazing things like bullying and having my lunch thrown into the dirt, having my art pushed into a drain and constant name calling or teasing about how I looked; that! Was hard, that was difficult to hear, see and go through, to think that those around you see you in that way, it also helped me in adulthood, after hearing one particular comment in high school, I fell out of love with myself, I started to look at me how they did, I focused on that one rubbish comment and it still sometimes creeps up on me and can ruin my day – words can hurt, they stick and have such a huge impact on a person!
Bullying is straight up shitty behaviour, there isn’t enough being done, however I couldn’t even think where to begin with it, schools are a hot pot of bullying, suicide is heartbreakingly common, social media is making a giant mess of things for young children and adults, I’ve been caught up in this as well; I have experienced comments online, however, the comments made to my face and the things done to me were incredibly damaging; I was pushed into the corner of a school yard and screamed at/ threatened and had things thrown at me by a group of girls – luckily an older boy nearby saw this, pushed them out of the way and pulled me out of there, I will be forever grateful for him. Having a vegemite sandwich scrunched into my hair on the school bus home after being so puzzled as to why they were all giggling behind me, I would squat down in the second set of steps on the school bus and just hope I was left alone.
This isn’t just high school, I have experienced this in the street, in workplaces and online – it’s disgusting behaviour and needs to stop.
So, a message to not only my bullies, but all bullies, I do hope that you have grown, that you understand your actions have impacts, that you are striving every day to be better & kinder and are on a path that brings you joy and happiness, everyone should know joy and happiness, even bullies. I am glad I experienced what I did, it has made me strong, resilient, confident, successful and happy; the irony is outstanding, I know. To the boy who said “you’re pretty, but, would be beautiful if it wasn’t for…”, to the girls who felt they needed to corner me, yell and throw things, to the people who crushed food into my hair or to the girls who kicked away my lunch into the dirt after I fell off a ledge and dropped it, thank you, sincerely, I will never forget you, but I have learnt from your actions, I have learnt that there are consequences, people hurt and how much of an impact we can have on others, I have turned this into a career of giving back to societies youngest and most vulnerable, to education and a dedication to ensuring that our smallest citizens feel love, joy and happiness, are educated & cared for, are advocated for and have someone on their side!
Dear bullies, I win.
So, with my new glow in tow, I started to explore the big wide world, explore tertiary study, was annoying good at it, fell in love with education and care, found a niche in supporting children and families, while only for a small period of lives, a critical and important period of time, I grew and continue to grow on this path, a swivel left or right now and again however always forward.
Things took a weird philosophical turn there didn’t they…
So, with pep in my step (and weird rhymes, maybe it’s the smileys), I started smashing career goals!
The relationships in your life are so fundamental to who you are, a friendship or relationship can impact who you are in such a big way. Your primary school best friend, childhood mate, neighbours, first boyfriend, colleagues and family, some come into your life like a breath of fresh air or leave like the stale bin smell when you take out the rubbish, regardless, each has a purpose and I am grateful for each one! Even the smelly bins, because at the time, they weren’t smelly bins, they were people who you laughed with, shared stories with, gossiped with, played with, at the time they were part of your world & that’s how I choose to remember them, those who hurt me – I still had great and special times with them, even if it ended horribly, another brick in the life wall.
So primary school, was a blur, it flew past in a blink and I didn’t know I was even supposed to be looking, my most fond primary school memories are years 5-6, St Thomas, despite joining the school in year 5, I was welcomed by everyone, I can still name most of my peers! Being invited to birthdays, social events, sleep overs, here I started to feel stable, welcomed & part of something, I still see them out and about at my local shops; no, I will not say hello…if we do happen to lock eyes, maybe a nod, eyebrow raise and weird nervous grin. Forever awkward.
High school, not so great.
College, so many stories! From terrible posed selfies on the school lawn wearing flared tights, skater shoes and pink, purple and white layered shirts, collared for coolness! to wagging class and spending that time talking rubbish in the carpark (sorry mum). We will leave out the ‘I’m 17, going on 30’ stories, for now. Great friendships, great loves, great adventures and all round being silly and feeling like a normal part of society, sadly it ended abruptly when those closest to me at the time began to be hurtful and nasty – to this day, I don’t know why, and at this point, no longer care too, however it did impact my decision to exit early and start an apprenticeship, life changing moment!
10 years ago, almost to the day, I met Mark. I was at work one day and having left a not so crash hot relationship, a friend whom I worked with suggest I download a dating app for us to check out guys, purely as a joke, so I agreed, downloaded it, created an account and up pops suggested people, turns out…Mark was doing the exact same thing. Anyway, he popped up and I thought ‘sure, I’ll say hi’, turns out…that was the beginning of my whole new life chapter. We had out first date at Kingsleys, and NO! for those Canberran’s reading this, not the takeaway chicken and chip shop, it was a fancy steak house which sadly no longer exists. Our date was horrible, I arrived late after receiving some bad news, I was so flustered I ordered a beer, I don’t like beer and apparently wanted to seem like I did? A rambled a bunch of crazy & he just nodded, barely spoke, smiled and looked like he wanted to leave (still does this), I thought he would when he said he needed to go to the toilet, I thought…seriously, I can’t afford the whole bill for this place, he better come back. He did.
If I was to ask Mark what I wore to our first date, he remembers, a flowy dress that was flowing in the breeze as I walked past the window into the restaurant. Well, something clicked, we left the restaurant and happened to be parked near each other, we stopped and talked for what felt like hours standing there shifting feet as each foot went to sleep for standing so long, but, to seal the deal, we had our first kiss.
Cute, until I explain that we lived in the same area and were driving home the same way so pulled up at every set of lights next to each other, red faced and smiling like absolute idiots.
3 months later, we flew to Phuket, why not, young and no commitments, time and each other. A year later, enter that mortgage! Getting serious now. 2019, our dream holiday!!! A last hurrah before family, expanding our family was always spoken about, however timing was never really settled on, so off to the US we went, knowing, it was time to expand! In so many ways it turns out.
Coming back into Canberra after our US trip was equally as exciting as it was terrifying, Australia was blanketed in smoke, the 2019/2020 bushfires has ripped across the country, the months that followed were scary, with smoke and P2 masks and this thing called COVID? So, let’s throw in a twin pregnancy, splashed with hyperemesis, a blood clot & a global outbreak, fun times!
October 2020, enter twins! Cue never-ending whirlwind of craziness, mess & overwhelm! But also, love, joy, happiness and baby head smell, if you know you know.
So, as I skim back over this post, the voice in my head is saying, what about your brother, where will you write that in, how will you. It is the most horrible thing to happen in my life and the hardest to write about, I can’t ease this into my story as it didn’t ease into my life, so here it is, lastly, the mostly horrible piece of my life puzzle, losing my little brother.
My stomach is turning and lump in my throat growing, no one is forcing me to write this nor do I have to, however, even getting close to this topic, which I have become skilled at avoiding, brings on waves of physical change and response.
I know those I love will read this, so this sentence is giving you and opt out, I promised to be real in this post and I’ll share at the level that feels right, beyond is for me, for us.
2017, October, I was sitting at home watching tv, talking to Mark about an upcoming fishing trip when I received a call, so I rushed to him, my legs stopped working with just the thought of what we were rushing to. What felt like hours on the side of a road, may have been, I don’t know, when the shake of a head told us it was over, suddenly brought on a feeling, I don’t wish on anyone, ever, no matter what. What my body did in that moment, was not only out of control, but unbelievable.
I recently heard someone explain what loss felt like for them: if you can imagine the absolute worst thing happening, worst case scenario and the feelings associated with that…its worse than that. They were right. You may think you know how you will feel, but…its worse, way worse.
My love died that day, what I knew to be love, to love, to be loved, died.
The one person I was supposed to have with me my whole life, for everything, was gone, my now, gone, future gone, love gone, what I knew, gone, what I thought I knew, gone, he was gone, just…gone.
I can’t do this; I don’t want to do this.
The parade of people in the house in the time that followed, saying words like ‘funeral’ & ‘cemetery’ made me so angry, those words do not belong in my house.
I still can’t do this and certainly don’t want to do this.
Growing our family without him here, was a hard decision, one of the hardest moments in my pregnancy was the realisation that I can’t tell him.
I will never be able to talk to him or whinge about how horrid my pregnancy was, or ask him to bring me maccas, he can’t watch his nephews grow up – cue lump in throat and tears, they can see his photos and we talk to them about him, but I want so badly for his hands to touch them, for him to hold them, for them to hear his voice, teach them swear words, show him their toys and enjoy time together. I hate this part, I hate doing this without him & I hate that, as a stubborn person, I don’t have a choice, nor can I change it.
But, here we are, about to cross the threshold into 32, holding my bucket of grief and sadness, my bucket of joy, happiness and laughter, my career, relationships, friendships and family, trying to make sure I don’t drop one, loose one or forget to feed one. We’re all imperfectly perfect and can only do the best with the hand we are delt, even if sometimes its rubbish.
So, there is a glimpse into my little world, on this big planet, navigating my way around the maze and putting my pieces into semi-organised piles, enjoying the things and people I love, building my career and just continuing to work on me every day.
Love, joy and happiness.
Ash x