I get it now. I thought I understood, I really did, when mums would share with me how tired they were but were still functioning with a smile every day, I thought I knew, I sympathised, but watched them get on with their day figuring that while they were feeling tired and exhausted that it mustn’t be too bad right because, off they go, with everything under control and smiling!

Wasn’t I a colossal idiot, absolutely oblivious to the messages they were sending, the cries for support and help that underpinned their words, the real message they were trying to send and the honest truth that sat just below the surface of those “I’m tired, but you know…”, “I’m exhausted, but they’re the best right?!”.

Tired, yea, this word, doesn’t even scratch the surface of what you actually feel, when you wake up every half an hour to a sick child covered in vomit, a baby who won’t stop screaming and you can’t figure out why, an anxious mind or panic attack keeping you awake for hours… this is some cellular level tiredness, some soul squeezing exhaustion, where you feel sick, nauseous and sometimes even vomit, your hands and arms shake with weakness and you just cry, you want to sleep when they finally sleep but, instead find yourself doing the load of washing, packing away the MOUNTAIN of toys that cause extra overwhelm and stress, talk about triggers!

I always held back and stayed behind my wall, when someone would ask me how I was, how is it with twins, how do you do it! I would reply ‘you just have to’, when really, a lot of the time, I wanted to say, I have no idea what I am doing, I’m stressed and tired and would like one night of unbroken sleep. Waking up to a noise, a bump and cough wondering if they were ok, are they ok, will they be ok! Am I doing everything I can to make sure they are ok? – cue 1am thoughts…

I am lucky, I know I am, I have two healthy, happy, growing children who are loving life and everything in it, they sleep almost 10 hours a night, eat almost anything we serve, have little friends, say a huge collection of words and are just blowing our mind with how they are becoming tiny, confident people. We have it great, why am I complaining and feeling like this?

Two little people who decide to run in separate directions at any chance, climb and unlock things, get into the one place you didn’t think to lock, they’re fast, smart and incredibly capable, the level my brain and senses need to function at, is high, alert status high, response time high, needing eyes in the back of my head is an understatement, the speed in which these little guys whirl up mess is unbelievable, grounding myself amongst the noise, emotions, conversations and touching is an overload.

I now understand tired, it’s not just tired because you don’t get enough sleep, its tired because of heavily broken sleep, your senses functioning on high continually, being available and ready constantly, lifting, playing, moving, chasing, laughing, even the laughing and joy can be exhausting when your battery is low. I feel like this battery has been low for a while, I would pay a decent amount of money to have a solid, unbothered, well rested evening of sweet sweet sleep…. but even then…my head would dictate how I felt, I would miss them, worry about them and want to be right there next to them.

Let’s add a layer of dip, work, I have finally found a role where my passion, drive and philosophy align, I am moving into a space where I have to allow myself to have a settled work life balance, I have it! My soul is finally resting into a place where I can enjoy leaving on time, be available for my family, be a part of the afternoon and bedtime routine, see my babies fall asleep safely.

This is where I want to yell from the roof tops… you can be happy! you can have peace! you can have balance, that dream of closing down your computer and leaving without a worry, exists, I have never been more grateful for being brave and allowing myself to step into the unknown, I left a strong role I was successful in, I knew everything inside and out, the step into the unfamiliar was scary but exhilarating! I knew it was time to reflect on my strengths and prioritise our family, as well as my mental health. Do it, your family, your time, your love and you are worth it.

I wanted to share this, because I have never had the courage too, I always hid it, I am a strong person, but, I struggle too, I am human too and after making enormous shifts in my life, I am finding myself and my voice, I no longer fear sharing my real human life, not the shiny ‘all good’ one, I am real & I am tired, and that’s ok.

So, cheers to my tired mummas out there, rocking huge eye bags, dirty hair full of dry shampoo and living on cold coffee (which really doesn’t help anyway), us with the messy homes but full hearts, us with the piles of dirty washing but smiling faces, us with dishes piled in the sink, but a soul so full it could burst. Parenting is a hard gig.

I see you, I feel you, I am you! We got this.

Always,

Average Mumma.